Sometimes hilarious, sometimes horrible, the 2012 election season was a rollercoaster ride of absurdity and atrocity. I present for your consideration a satirical, witty, and sarcastic requiem for the 2012 election. Enter the bullet points:
♦ The fact that the majority of Fundamentalist Christians supported a Mormon for president undercuts the claim that they desire Christian theocracy.
♦ Apparently the spirit of the Cheshire Cat possessed Joe Biden during the vice-presidential debate. Conservatives fumed. Liberals laughed. Both reactions were utterly predictable.
♦ FACT: Joe Biden admitted during the debate that condemnation of abortion is a de fide (of the faith) doctrine of Catholicism.
FACT: The Catholic Church states that politicians who promote abortion are de facto (automatically) excommunicated.
CONCLUSION: If you accept the Church’s teaching on abortion, Mr. Biden, you must recognize that you have placed yourself outside the Catholic Church. Be intellectually honest and admit it
♦ Why was Paul Ryan so timid during the vice-presidential debate? Still can’t figure that one out.
♦ On October 16th, during the second presidential debate, Romney mentioned the advent of a “new economy” should America be so kind as to elect him. A new economy? Economies are not created by presidential fiat. One man is not Lord of the Economy. Laissez faire capitalism hates you, Governor Romney.
♦ During the second debate, Obama asserted that America absolutely needs Planned Parenthood -after all, they provide mammograms and cervical cancer screening.
These services couldn’t possibly be preformed by hospitals. . . . How do women in other countries survive without Planned Parenthood?
♦ “Governor, you’re the last person who’s going to get tough on China,” said Barack Obama to Mitt Romney.
”Your [one child] policy has been one which I fully understand -I’m not second-guessing,” said Joe Biden to China.
♦ After listening to the second debate, I wondered if Biden and Obama ever bothered to coordinate their talking points. Obama argued that America should spend the money previously spent on war, on education. The week prior, during the vice-presidential debate, Biden argued (correctly) that during the Bush years the GOP put two wars on credit card. I guess Obama now intends to put education on the national credit card. Just dandy.
♦ Reading the economic writings of Ludwig von Mises before watching the presidential candidates debate the economy was something akin to coming home from a Journey concert and suffering your drunk uncle’s karaoke rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’.”
♦ Whenever I found myself growing angry during the election season, I listened to “Deify” by Disturbed.
Yes, I know the song was created to bash Bush II. But I don’t really like him anyway -too many of his policies paved the way for the Obamanation. And Disturbed’s lyrics so nicely mirrors how I feel about my place in the age of Obama:
I only wanted a blessing made
Now I’ve been labeled a renegade
It seems so clear now what I must do
You’re no immortal
I won’t let them
They view you as the new messiah
Renew belief in some demented man.
And renew we did.
♦ The third presidential debate took place on October 22. The president admitted that the national debt is a tremendous threat to national security. Mr. President, since you are to blame for approximately 3/4 of our debt, doesn’t that -by your own logic- make you a major threat to national security?
I wrote as much on facebook and my aunt offered a delicious reply: “And you do know where major threats to our national security wind up, right Josh??? Guantanamo.” Perhaps Obama should send a drone after the presidential limousine and spare himself an extended Cuban vacation.
♦ The same evening, Obama berated Romney for his supposed willingness to euthanize the auto industry. Romney replied, “My plan to get the auto industry on its feet . . . they go through bankruptcy . . . and [then] get federal help.” Come on Mitt! Does it really matter whether federal monies are spent on a failing industry before or after bankruptcy? The government is still subsidizing a failed business at taxpayer expense. Again, Romney is no apostle for the laissez faire free market.
♦ “When I came into office, the world was divided,” declared Obama during the debate. With all due respect, Mr. President, it’s been divided since Cain and Able. It is the epitome of hubris to think that a single man -president or not- can eliminate this tragic facet of the human condition.
♦ “When I came into office, the world was divided,” declared Obama. And it’s still divided. So what’s your point?
♦ Where did the anti-war left disappear to during this election? Perhaps they were embarrassed by the fact that Obama adopted Bush’s foreign policy. Sure, he reduced our nuclear arms, but otherwise, both presidents endorsed an aggressive and interventionist foreign policy.
Many people told me they were bored by the foreign policy debate and I believe the essential agreement between Obama and Romney is the reason why. How boring would football games be if both teams shared the same goal? The candidates pointed fingers at each other, highlighting particular bungles or gaffes, but there was no debate over the political philosophy underpinning foreign policy. Yawn.
♦ In the throes of election fever, many of my conservative friends were irked by my constant criticism of Paul Ryan’s economic plan. Still, I contend that, contrary to popular caricature, Ryan is not a true fiscal conservative.
Writer John Neville supported my view in the December 2012 edition of First Things magazine: “Studies indicate that Medicare wastes billions of dollars annually paying for unnecessary and ineffective procedures. Rather than focusing on eliminating those expenses, Congressman Ryan focuses on shifting costs from the government to individual seniors.”
Even if you think Ryan’s solution superior to the Democrats’, his does not cut to the root of the problem -the continued existence of a broken government program.
♦ I should have known that America couldn’t be trusted to vote wisely on November 6th. After all, America proved its electile dysfunction when it voted Bristol Palin off Dancing With the Stars. Yes, I know she’s not the best dancer . . . but she’s so damn cute! If America couldn’t keep her on TV, of course Romney was destined to lose the popular vote, he’s so . . . hairy. Seriously, look at pictures of his arms. He looks like freaking Chewbacca. Then again, Obama looks a little bit like the kid from Mad Magazine. But I digress.
♦ In his victory speech, Obama promised to reduce the national debt in the next four years . Didn’t he promise that four years ago after lambasting Bush II’s exorbitant expenditures? I guess we’ll have to check back in four years from now . . .
♦ During his victory speech Obama reminded America of our origins, speaking of how “a former colony” rose up against their British overlords. Um . . . Mr. President, there were thirteen independent colonies. At best, Obama is ignorant of history. At worst, he deliberately revised America’s genesis as national, as opposed to arising from a confederation of sovereign states. Why wouldn’t he? Obama’s refashioned historical narrative affords greater legitimacy to centralized government. Even history is immolated on the altar of the omnipotent state.
♦ Upset over Obama’s victory, my wife hurled a package of graham crackers at the wall. I drank a little too much whiskey and telephoned friends to pontificate. I’m not sure which was the better reaction.
♦ How did Romney handle his defeat? I know not. But the Mitt Romney character on Saturday Night Live got drunk on milk and pushed Karl Rove over a balcony. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.
♦ Abby deserves a purple heart:
♦ Matthew 21:9: “And the multitudes cried: ‘Obama in the highest: Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the debt: Obama in the highest!’ “
to be continued . . .